Consequences of Dismissing Attachment

 

  1. Dismissing attachment behavior is learned in infancy and stays unconscious
  2. The individual is not referenced.
    1. Since the individual emotions of the infant child are not acknowledged, validated, confirmed, but ignored by the mother, the child has to infer that his/her emotional life is worthless.
    2. Individual emotions are to be disconfirmed by others (ignored or made fun of), carrying the message to the child that emotional life is worthless. In consequence, the child learns to suppress individual emotions!
    3. Individual notions are to be frustrated by others.
    4. Any individual progress has to be invalidated (by using inappropriate criteria to judge), carrying the message to the child that his/her feeling of success is not shared with the environment, therefore, that emotional life is worthless.
    5. Any individual reference has to be avoided and has to be replaced by a reference to the embeddedness in the collective.
  3. Individual volition is de-emphasized and replaced by collective reasons.
  4. Anything has to be referenced to the collective.
  5. A person is never alone, can never act alone.
  6. Make it impossible for a child to have a secret.

 


 

1. Dismissing attachment behavior is learned in infancy and stays unconscious:

A culture is a set of learned values. In the first years of the child's life, the child learns vicariously (=by observing and then imitating others). At that time all the elements of cultural assumptions as well as the elements of expression of gender identity are learned vicariously, and remain unconscious for the rest of the life. All these unconsciously learned isolated gestures and behavior patterns are never consciously put in perspective by the adult, are never consciously put in any kind of system, are never understood. Therefore, the individual does never have the chance of consciously knowing the meaning of these isolated gestures in a bigger context (e.g. Patriarchy, Power Relations, Self-Esteem).

All persons raised in a dismissing attachment environment will never be able to understand and change their unconscious programming later on in their life, will never be able to perceive and understand the implied cultural terms and functions in a dismissing culture and never be able to see that secure attachment terms differ from the terms unconsciously learned in their dismissing culture.

For an individual to be unable to "discover" what was done to him/her in later life, dismissing behavior is learned vicariously from infancy on and stays unconscious during all adult life. Dismissing actions are single, isolated acts that appear having no connection with each other: there does not appear to be any concept underlying all of these acts. But by these single acts is clearly communicated to the child that individuality does not matter and that the highest priority is subordination to the group and to external rules.

 


 

2. The individual is not referenced.

Dismissing attachment policy is, that any reference to the individual has to be discredited and discarded consistently as worthless and irrelevant. The reason is, that any reference to the individual would potentially increase self-esteem, which needs to be prevented at all cost.

 

 

2.1 Since the individual emotions of the infant child are not acknowledged, validated, confirmed, but ignored by the mother, the child has to infer that his/her emotional life is worthless. This is the credo of the dismissing attached person!

The second inference the infant draws is, that people are not very friendly, and instead of openness and warmth, fear and suspicion are generated in the child.

The third consequence is, that the child does not learn how to handle its emotions, so, for example, in cultures based on dismissing attachment there is always anxiety about uncontrollable emotional outbursts, especially: anxiety about rage.

 

 

2.2 Individual emotions are to be disconfirmed by others (ignored or made fun of), carrying the message to the child that emotional life is worthless.


For example, teasing of a child, who is feeling hurt: this gets the message across, that the individual emotion of the child does not count, and is almost dis-advantageous to the child. In consequence, the child learns to suppress individual emotions!

 

 

2.3 Individual notions are to be frustrated by others.

Notions originating from an intact self are: seeking attention, seeking dominance, and seeking help. Any question from the child that reveals the self working to understand something has to be systematically frustrated by every member of the dismissing culture by: ignoring, misunderstanding, making fun of, or, answering outrightly wrong.

 

 

2.4 Any individual progress has to be invalidated (by using inappropriate criteria to judge), carrying the message to the child that his/her feeling of success is not shared with the environment, therefore, that emotional life is worthless.


For example, adults judging the progress of a child unfairly on a task by adult standards, and therefore the child's attempts are necessarily judged negatively. This discourages the child, and this discouragement is intentional, because encouragement would increase self-esteem and self-reliance.

 

 

2.5 Any individual reference has to be avoided and has to be replaced by a reference to the embeddedness in the collective.


For example, the usage of individual names will be avoided; children will be called generic names like "kiddo" or "son"/"daughter". Examples for fishy rationalizations for not using names which would enforce individuality, but instead kin terms, which reinforce dismissing attachment:

 


 

3. Individual volition is de-emphasized and replaced by collective reasons.

 


 

4. Anything has to be referenced to the collective.

Anything has to be referenced to the collective, to "culture" and "society" as the important value givers. The question always is: "What will the people say"?

The survival technique to counter dismissing attachment is, that everything I wanted to do as an individual had to be presented to others as a collective ideal, as a valid collective concept. I would have to cheat and lie to get there, but once something appeared to others as a legitimate collective activity, I had won: I was legit, and whatever I wanted to do as an individual "made sense" in the dismissing worldview, was considered "normal" activity by the surrounding dismissing persons.

 


 

5. A person is never alone, can never act alone.

At all times, day and night, the person has to be aware of the presence of the group, and to be aware of the supervision of the group and of the legitimizing power of the group. This would be experienced as unbearable terror by anyone raised in an individualistic culture: it would make it absolutely impossible to make any individual decision, and there would always be somebody watching (Nazi-German: Feind hoert mit.)

And in the unexpected case that someone despite being watched all the time would develop any individual thought - there is an unwritten/unconscious rule that any thought that is not in the dismissing cultural package has to be sabotaged by everybody. Every person in the dismissing culture is mandated to persecute and punish any individual thought, as fast as possible when it happens. Every person! This is the thought police!

 


 

6. Make it impossible for a child to have a secret.

Adult's attitude towards children is that there can not possibly be any secrets, that the child always tells everythig to the adult.

Having secrets increases self-esteem, which is to be avoided at all cost.

 

 


 

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