Mars - Ich bin jung und reich und gebildet; und ich bin unglücklich, neurotisch und allein
A culture is a set of learned values. In the first years of the child's life, the child learns vicariously (=by observing and then imitating others). At that time all the elements of cultural assumptions as well as the elements of expression of gender identity are learned vicariously, and remain unconscious for the rest of the life. All these unconsciously learned isolated gestures and behavior patterns are never consciously put in perspective by the adult, are never consciously put in any kind of system, are never understood. Therefore, the individual does never have the chance of consciously knowing the meaning of these isolated gestures in a bigger context (e.g. Patriarchy, Power Relations, Self-Esteem).
All persons raised in a dismissing attachment environment will never be able to understand and change their unconscious programming later on in their life, will never be able to perceive and understand the implied cultural terms and functions in a dismissing culture and never be able to see that secure attachment terms differ from the terms unconsciously learned in their dismissing culture.
For an individual to be unable to "discover" what was done to him/her in later life, dismissing behavior is learned vicariously from infancy on and stays unconscious during all adult life. Dismissing actions are single, isolated acts that appear having no connection with each other: there does not appear to be any concept underlying all of these acts. But by these single acts is clearly communicated to the child that individuality does not matter and that the highest priority is subordination to the group and to external rules.
"Although a child's gender is marked at birth and may lead to a special celebration in the case of a son, in the early years of life a child's gender is less critical than is learning to be a cooperative member of a corporate group, where group coherence and harmony are valued over individuality...The principal value that Old Town children must learn is interdependence - the understanding that they are one of many, are not unique individuals, and that their survival rests on learning how to live closely with others, and how to cooperate with and take care of one another. This learning of interdependence begins shortly after birth.." (Seymour 1999, p.71)
"During the first two years of life the child is nursed on demand, ritually bathed, and, during most of its waking moments, carried on someone's hip or held in someone's lap. She is never isolated in a separate room or even in a separate sleeping space, such as a cradle, but is made part of all household activities all of the time... By Western standards, young Indian children are very much present in all aspects of everyday life and receive considerable physical contact; nevertheless, they also learn that they are not in control of the critical events of daily life and that they must submit to the authority of others. An obvious example is the highly ritualized daily bath throughout which infants commonly cry. Their crying suggests that they do not find the bath a pleasurable experience, but the lack of maternal responsiveness to their crying teaches them that they are not in control of the situation." (Seymour 1999, p.72)
Hand-feeding and bathing are performed by outside forces untill well beyond the time a child could do it himself, thereby communicating the message that individual notions of the child and independence of the child is not desired. "Later, with the introduction of solid foods, a mother may retain full control by insisting upon hand-feeding her child. She will most likely insist upon bathing her child as well. In these respects Old Town children are kept physically dependent for an extended period, commonly from birth to about ten years..." (Seymour 1999, p.76)
"Thus the complex systems of concepts coded into linguistic form tend to be closely related to the sociocultural environment in which they are used and do not independently act to overcome the embeddedness of traditional thinking. In addition the style of language used in child rearing typically works to support contaxt-bound thought. Explicit verbal instruction is rarely given, so the child in traditional society learns by observation and subsequent imitation. This mode of learning binds both the content and the process to the context." (Munroe 1975, p.88)
Dismissing attachment policy is, that any reference to the individual has to be discredited and discarded consistently as worthless and irrelevant. The reason is, that any reference to the individual would potentially increase self-esteem, which needs to be prevented at all cost.
The second inference the infant draws is, that people are not very friendly, and instead of openness and warmth, fear and suspicion are generated in the child.
The third consequence is, that the child does not learn how to handle its emotions, so, for example, in cultures based on dismissing attachment there is always anxiety about uncontrollable emotional outbursts, especially: anxiety about rage.
"The lack of emotional expression is one method of comminicating to the children that moodiness is not to be tolerated. The Rajput mothers do not emphasize self-reliance and are willing to help their children bathe, dress, etc., even when the children could do these tasks themselves; but they are notable unresponsive to the emotional needs of their children. They frequently scold children for crying, even when they have been physically hurt. Demands for attention, fussiness, and whining meet with similar impatience." (Minturn 1964, p.230)
Here the mirroring is explicitly avoided: "Although demand-feeding was the general procedure with infants and young children, mothers did not necessarily respond quickly or immediately when a child cried or otherwise complained. A child might have to cry from one to eight minutes before someone responded, for mothers went when it was convenient for them ... Hindu nursing on demand seems less a patterns of perpetual gratification or empathic mirroring than an almost continual frustration. In fact, gratification is provided only when a mother wants the child to cease interaction, i.e. to sleep." (Kurtz 1992, p.66)
"...while the sensual satisfaction of feeeding and cradle-rocking are present, the emotional character of the mother-child relation is one of distance. Physical contact with and gratification of the child does not occasion a loving mirroring of emotions as it would in the West. The child, as a unique individual, seems almost not to exist." (Kurtz 1992, p.50)
"...the child's emotions are not mirrored in such a way as to establish a loving intimacy between individuals. Something else entirely seems to be going on..." (Kurtz 1992, p.80)
"...physical indulgence often takes place without the mother's excessive emotional involvement..." (Seymour 1999, p.??)
"...mothers are not highly responsive to their children's requests, that mothers are unlikely to praise infants, and that care-givers do NOT consider the infant's emotional needs as of paramount importance." (Derne 1995, p.161)
"The mothers ordinarily do not use soap when washing the babies, but they rub the eyes rather vigorously with the heel of the hand and often are not very gentle in their handling of the baby during the bathing process. Babies usually cry and struggle violently while being bathed, and they particularly dislike having their face and eyes washed." (Minturn 1966, p.110)
"Adults are not overly affectionate with children of any age. Infants are usually not given special attention beyond their physical needs. They are not cuddled or played with." (Minturn 1966, p.137)
"... insists that all children are alike. ...babies are neither the objects of interest nor the objects of anxiety that they are in this country. A mother does not fear that a child is sick every time it cries ... she is not delighted with its smile because she also knows that all babies smile. She therefore continues with her usual routine, attends to her infant's need but does not hover over it or 'drop everything' to rush to its side ... they do not spend much time interacting with the child. The baby receives attention only when it cries of fusses... when it becomes quiet, its distractor leaves it. Adult interaction with babies is generally aimed at producing a cessation of response rather than a stimulation of it... Thus the baby spends his first two years as a passive observer of the busy courtyard life." (Minturn 1966, p. 111)
"Require strict obedience. This obedience should always be immediate, instant, without question or argument. What the father says do, the son does. He does it well, he does it immediately, and he does it without argument...the child should not deem it necessary to have an explanation for the orders he has received from his parents." (Hyles 1972, p.144)
"From the age of one month, the infant is tied to a cradle suspended from the ceiling of the hut, and no attention is paid to his crying. 'Babies,' according to the Ainu, 'are like talkative men and women; they must have their say." (Munroe 1975, p.9)
"...the level of infant indulgence is relatively low, and the result seems to be an adult personality full of fearfulness and suspicion." (Munroe 1975, p.39)
"...child rejection (or less indulgent infant care) is associated with a view of the of the supernatural world as malevolent. ...as Freud pointed out, the stern, punishing God of the Old Testament seemed to be a projection of the father in the patriarchal Hebrew family, and, in modern America, the Christian emphasis on Jesus Christ, friend, corresponds to the more nearly equalitarian relationship between father and child." (Munroe 1975, p.40)
An attempt at an explanation for lack of emotional responsiveness: "The Mexican and Indian communities are characterized by the fact that, in both places, brothers and their families live in dwellings that surround a common courtyard where their children play with their siblings and first cousins. These living arrangements afford a minimum of privacy. People living in such close quarters can easily irritate each other. emotional control is therefore essential if the group is to survive. This controlled personality is evidently communicated to the children in the form of a certain coldness which trains them, in turn, to the same pattern." (Minturn 1964, p.79)
Here a consequence: anxiety about rage: "...emphasis on 'peace at any price'...An extended family that shares cramped living quarters ...is fraught with many tensions. Emotional control is therefore valued and outbursts of aggression are generally discouraged. This discouragement is usually successful, although at the price of considerable suppressed hostility. When this hostility becomes overt in anyone, child or adult, people immediately try to calm them down. The justice or injustice of their indignation is a secondary consideration until the crisis of rage has passed. it is evidently this anxiety about rage..." (Minturn 1964, p.238)
"Villagers had few notions of the child as an individual with a will of his or her own. Instead, they viewed a child as a source of entertainment. Thus, often when Simeon was busy at play, someone would come over to him and pick him up. At first when he protested, people would think it funny... Adults subjected Simeon to constant teasing, offering him something to play with and then, moments later, asking for it back ... " (Kurtz 1992, p.79)
"Hindu nursing on demand seems less a pattern of perpetual gratification or empathic mirroring than an almost continual frustration. In fact, gratification is provided only when a mother wants the child to cease interaction, i.e., to sleep." (Kurtz 1992, p.67)
"Young mothers joke very often about giving their children away. Outside the home in public places, or when visitors are present in the home, it is extremely common for a mother to exclaim: 'Here, I will give you away right now to so and so! Here, take him away! I don't want him any more! I cannot feed him! You can have him! I will give him away if you promise to feed him!' During this ritual monologue highlighting maternal ambivalence, the terrified child usually wails and clings desperately to his mother as the adults around him laugh. This particular scenario involving rejection and food occurs so frequently in Nathdwara that it canot fail to make a significant impression on young children." (Kurtz 1992, p.81 quoting Maduro 1976, p.168)
"...training in the inhibition of emotion is also begun during the preschool period.
The mothers reported that they stop the children when they get too excited,
laugh too much, cry or become angry. Occasionally mothers would even scold or punish
children when they cried, even if they hurt themselves, as exemplified in the following:
... M., a 4-year-old girl fell off the cot and landed on her shoulder. She cried loudly.
Her teen-aged sister came over to her and said sharply, 'Get up. You did not get hurt. Get up.'
I put on the flashlight briefly to see M. in the darkness, and the sister, in an effort
to distract the crying child, pointed to the light and said, 'Look, look at that.'
M. went on crying. Her mother, who was several yards away at the hearth, shouted very crossly,
'I will beat you if you don't stop crying. I will throw the big spoon at you.'
M. continued to cry, although no quite so hard. No one paid any further attention
to her. Eventually she stopped."
(Minturn 1966, p.134-135)
"Temper tantrums seldom occur. Only twice did we see a child lying on the floor and screaming in a real hysterical tantrum. On the first occasion, the child, a girl, was ignored; on the second, a 6-year-old boy was taunted by his mother and aunt and an older cousin who shouted at him: 'Are you the only child here that you are fussing so?'." (Minturn 1966, p.138)
"Another theme which should be noted was the subjects' concern with criticism. One asserted, and the others agreed, that she would rather be slapped than criticized. As she put it, 'wood hurts less than words.' Physical punishment, particularly pinching by parents, continues through high school for a good many of this group, but the pain of criticism is much worse. The origin of this sensitivity is not clear but it is probably related to the teasing to which the person is subject from childhood. Children are teased about their mistakes, their failings and their handicaps, and about the mistakes and handicaps of their parents. Often a person is not known by his real name but rather by some nickname. An ugly child may be called by his parents 'child picked up from carabae dung', and a dull child may be called 'dullest of all'. Comparisons between siblings are very common. It is not uncommon for parents to evaluate their children with the children present." (Guthrie 1961, p.69)
"One of the great mistakes made in rearing children is overprotection and oversympathy... Hence, early in the life of a child we must see to it that people do not carry on over him with excessive sympathy." (Hyles 1972, p.65)
"Make the child do what he does not especially like to do. Suppose a girl does not like doing the dishes. The mother should then force the girl to do them regularly until doing the dishes becomes habit, routine, and perhaps even enjoyable. Find the habits that a child does not enjoy and does not do regularly. See that they are done by schedule and promptly." (Hyles 1972, p.47)
"Never give child that for which he cries. The baby who cries for attention and gets it will become a child who cries for a toy and gets it, then a teenager who whines and complains for his every whim and gets it, and then a young adult who will demonstrate and riot in order to get his wishes. Riots are not started in the streets but in the crib." (Hyles 1972, p.99)
"Teasing occurs; for example, the mother may show preference to some other child in order to stimulate jealousy in her baby. Also, adults constantly threaten to cut off children's ear and hands, and some children are greatly frightened by the accompanying brandishing of knifes." (Munroe 1975, p.42)
"If the individual is sensitive to his own self, it follows that he may achieve awareness of other selves. The capacity for strong empathy - or, in psychoanalytic terms, the extension of the self - could be dependent on the prior development of a strong self and might might account in part for the stress that Westerners put on love, intimacy, and emotional attachments in interpersonal relations." (Munroe 1975, p.146)
"...there must be steady interpersonal contact during the period of infancy if the child was to become capable of developing positive and lasting affective responses toward others." (Munroe 1975, p.151)
"Such surprising events were daily affairs in the lives of the children. In general, a child could never know if or when or even upon whom the punishment would fall for a mistake that was made. One person would err and another would be punished for a mistake the other had committed in the past and thought forgotten. Or one would punish and another comfort. Always, in these cases, the punisher was the child's own mother, and the comforter somebody else. Or alternatively, the same person would punish and comfort, punish and comfort, until the child completely lost its bearings, and began to weep. Indeed, this was a favorite game for adults and older children to play with small children - to offer a plaything and then withdraw it, offer and then withdraw, offer and then withdraw. When the child broke down and wept, it would be cuddled and comforted, or else whisked away to enjoy some other amusement.
Somehow, the tears of a child were entertaining; they brought forth laughter from onlookers. Children themselves, finally, learned to laugh when they were scolded, at least some did. Their laughter would anger the scolder, and the scolding would grow angrier and louder, then the laughter, then the scolding, until at a climax the child would either run away, or suddenly burst into tears. Adult arguments would often reverse this pattern: people would shout back and forth at each other more and more loudly, until it seemed as though they might come to blows, and then suddenly a joke would be made and all would burst into laughter. In movies, tears and laughter were a stereotypic combination. There was something about the union of sharply contrasting feelings that appealed to people. For a Westerner, it could be very confusing. " (Trawick 1990, p.77)
"...one day she wiped my son's newly skinned knee hard with her thumb and smiling sweetly, gleefully, up at me, said, 'blood!'" (Trawick 1990, p.80)
"Beating children in the hope of getting them to study better was an everyday occurence. ... When people were ill and their appetites were off, it was especially important to force food down their throats, even if they gagged and vomited it up again. ... Acts embodying the cruelty of love could also and simultaneously be acts hiding its tenderness. Thus, physical affection for children was expressed not through caresses but roughly, in the form of painful pinches, slaps, and tweaks, which left marks or drew blood. Frightening a beloved child, like deceiving it, was also a favorite pastime. ... One child was for some reason terrified of a toy lion that someone had brought for her. Mohana and Padmini enjoyed showing the toy lion to the little girl and watching her scream. Yet the little girl was a family favorite, not like a scapegoat or runt. Why were the household darlings singled out for such exquisite torments? 'It's a kind of love,' said Ayya in response to my puzzlement at such practices." (Trawick 1990, p.101)
"...mothers made their children cry, not in anger, but in playful affection ... mothers deliberately spurned or mistreated their own children, forcing their own and their children's affection away from the closest blood bond. A mother might do likewise with a grown daughter, Ayya said, harshly scolding her so thet she would desire to marry, and so that once she did, her heart would go to her husband and she would be happy. For a child's own good, to 'grow' a child, in the name of love or just for fun, a caretaker might cruelly provoke love's opposite." (Trawick 1990, p.103)
Notions originating from an intact self are: seeking attention, seeking dominance, and seeking help. Any question from the child that reveals the self working to understand something has to be systematically frustrated by every member of the dismissing culture by: ignoring, misunderstanding, making fun of, or, answering outrightly wrong.
"In collectivist cultures, child rearing is sometimes very intrusive. Breaking the will of the child to make her totally obedient is sometimes evident. Dependence of the child on the parents is often encouraged. Collectivists control their children by providing high rates of interaction, guidance, and consultation. Consequently, their children become dependent on teachers and other adults for help in making important decisions." (Triandis 1995, p.63)
"Although she nurses on demand - in response to an infant's cries - by not responding immediately, a mother again makes it clear that SHE, not the child, is in control. Old Town mothers respond anywhere from several seconds to several minutes after the infant begins to cry and then rarely nurses it ti satisfaction. Typically, they pick up a child and nurse it on one breast for a few minutes and the deliberately remove it before it is satisfied. When the child begins to cry again, it is given the other breast, which is again removed before the child has reached satisfaction." (Seymour 1999, p.74)
"...the belief that children's basic needs should be attended to but otherwise children should not be the focus of attention. In fact, to give too much attention to an infant or young child is considered dangerous for the child." (Seymour 1999, p.78
"..three of these [behaviors] that clustered were concerned with self-seeking actions, namely, seeking attention, seeking dominance, and seeking help, and were together labeled as egoistic behavior." (Munroe 1975, p.145)
"...mothers did not necessarily respond quickly and immediately when a child cried or otherwise complained. A child might have to cry from one to eight minutes before someone responded, for mothers went when it was convenient for them..." (Seymour 1971, p.145-148)
"...it has been made clear to the child, even if nonverbally, that pleasure comes not from one's own power but as a gift from the group..." (Kurtz 1992, p.88)
At about age five, "Toilet training becomes strict ... Cleanliness is insisted upon, and any failure on his part arouses anger in the elders. The erring child is ridiculed, chastised, and punished. Now they must wear clothes and begin to hide their genitals. If the elders find their organs exposed they point to them and ask, 'Arre, what is that? Why are you exhibiting that little thing?'" (Kurtz 1992, p.88)
The cultural rules dictate that adults control and suppress any individual notion
in public. This is the ultimate self-control, self-amputation:
"...emotional intimacy between husband and wife should not be openly expressed.
For example, husbands and wifes should not speak directly to one another,
address one another by name, or touch one another in front of others.
The control of conjugal intimacy is so pervasive that my husband and I find that,
largely unconsciously, we accomodate to it when residing in Bhubaneswar:
We refrain from having any physical contact with one another or from speaking to each other
openly or intimately in the presence of others."
(Seymour 1999, p.98)
"...the convention of mutual avoidance in public between spouses. ... Spouses, who were supposed to love each other most and to focus their sexual feeling entirely upon each other, were expected to keep both feelings hidden." (Trawick 1990, p.94)
"The absence of praise is the result of a deliberate policy, designed to train the compliant personality required in an extended family. The parents believe that if children are praised they will become spoiled because they will think that the parents 'love them too much.'." (Minturn 1964, p.232)
"Adult recognition for this increase in the children's responsibilities is meager. Although one of the most frequent forms of praise reported by the mothers, when interviewed was, 'You have done good work,' we seldom heard a mother actually say this. Rather, there seemed to be a general tendency to belittle the tasks of children. Granting that the chores required of most children are neither long nor arduous, even those children who did work regularly were not accorded recognition. ... tendency to underrate the amount of work done by children." (Minturn 1966, p.150)
"... the adults are impatient with the inept performance of children who are just learning a task and are more likely to scold the child for his awkwardness than praise him for his enterprise. A girl, just learning to spin, is ordered away from the wheel because she breaks the thread; a boy trying to feed grass into the fodder cutter is pushed aside by the man at the wheel; a boy who has brought a bread container from the bedroom in an attempt to feed himself is scolded and beaten by his mother when he drops it; a girl is making a fair attempt at embroidering on the petticoat that her friend has started but is told by her aunt to stop because she is ruining the work. In this way children are often discouraged from learning new tasks or undertaking work that is not well within their ability. The work they do is judged, not in terms of a reasonable expectation for children of a given age but in comparison with adult performance." (Minturn 1966, p.153)
"Children who do not perform well might be the victim of some rather severe criticism. More generally, children are teased by siblings, parents and relatives whenever they make a mistake or experience a misfortune or failure. From this experience of being teased the child develops an intense sensitivity. He cannot retaliate against those older than himself but he does get some release through practicing the same teasing on those who are younger. This pattern is complicated by the insistence that the child treat with respect those who tease him. To fail to do so means that the child is disrespectful. He simply must learn to accept humiliation because he cannot strike back without incurring reprisals.." (Guthrie 1961, p.123)
"[parents] should not dress the children well and make them look pretty lest they incite envy. One must never praise a child by saying that it is pretty or exceptionally big and healthy. Such praise may bring bad luck to the child and leave the praiser open to the suspicion of thowing the evil eye." (Minturn 1966, p.106)
"...the villagers agree, in general, on the methods of discipline. Despite individual differences in the handling of childeren, and some variance between the discipline of the men and that of the women, there is a clear consensus of opinion which forms the norm of the villager's socialization techniques. The core of the consensus is the belief that praising children 'to their faces' will spoil them and make them disobedient. As one man put it, 'If we praise, the child will think we love him too much and then he will not be under our control.' Some men were of the opinion that children obeyed men better than they obeyed women because the women 'loved them too much.'." (Minturn 1966, p.119)
"Kin relationships are essential to family social structure, and people usually refer to relatives in kinship terms, rather than names, because speaking the names of older relatives is disrespectful. Wifes, referring to their high-status affinal relatives, are particularly careful to use kin terms rather than names." (Minturn 1993, p.23)
"Proper respect for parents inhcludes their being addressed properly. The modern idea of calling fathers and mothers by their first names certainly is promoting a familiarity that will not lead to respect, obedience, or honor. ... the titles parent, mother, and father are important ones and the children should always address their parents with proper titles." (Hyles 1972, p.145)
"Mrs. Misra refers to her husband by his surname. Married couples generally do not use another's first names and often practice teknonymy: They address one another as 'the mother' or 'the father' of one of their children." (Seymour 1999, p.112)
"...in some areas, a young infant is called by a derogatory name (shiontek or poishipe - that is, a lump of dung or dung-covered) to discourage evil spirits..." (Munroe 1975, p.10)
Here is the rationalization why attention should not be focused on the child:
"A mother's love for her child ... had to be kept contained and hidden. Anni said that
a mother should never gaze lovingly into her child's face ... because the loving gaze itself
could cause harm to the child ..., her look could produce 'the evil eye'."
(Trawick 1990, p.93)
Raising children is not solely the responsibility of the parents, but everybody is allowed to and encouraged to participate: "Just like the Chinese involvement of all adults who happen to be present in the raising of the children, many Russians get involved in raising children, which, as pointed out earlier, can take the form of a Muscovite passerby's criticizing a mother for not wrapping up her child sufficiently well. The scolding and interference by any adult who happens to be present is in striking contrast with a lack of intervention prevalent in individualistic societies. " (Triandis 1995, p.64)
The individual trend to consistency in his/her thoughts and actions is sabotaged, and replaced by a rigid and elaborate set of behavior rules, for all possible occasions: "...collectivists find it more difficult to think in a counterfactual manner. Because they are embedded in their social environment, they are more disturbed when unrealistic situations are described to them. Individualists, in contrast, do not feel their selves violated by such situations and are able to react to them without hesitation. There is less concern for cognitive consistency in colletivistic cultures. The attitude-behavior links are weaker in collectivist cultures and relatively strong in individualistic cultures. In Japan, proper behavior rather than attitude is important." (Triandis 1995, p.72)
"The custom of a woman avoiding mention of her husband's name was only part of a much larger set of conventions for hiding love. Not only was the personal name of the husband never used, but if possible, he was never referred to at all. Only a Westernized woman would refer to her husband as 'my husband'. If a woman had to refer to her husband, she would do so through a relationship he had with some other person, as 'the father of so-and-so' or 'the teacher of so-and-so'. Some women would whisper and point when they wished to make reference to their husband. ... Some men would avoid speaking their wife's name, referring to her simply as 'she'." (Trawick 1990, p.95)
"Another way of hiding love was to openly downgrade the loved one. If a child was highly valued, to directly display one's high valuation of it brought it in danger, and so one had to make a pretense of not caring for it at all." (Trawick 1990, p.96
"Indians de-emphasize individual volition" (Derne 1995, p.IX)
"I formed no independent judgments, had no personal preferences and no individual tastes. On any question, I adopted the one true opinion held by a committee I recognized as representative of society as a whole, a committe made up of those who knew what was right and what was wrong. And whenever I thought I had attained the level of this imaginary committe, I was very pleased with myself and proud of my achievement. My family had taught me that what counted in life was not the opinion of the individual but the opinion of the community as a whole... " (Zorn 1977, p.11)
"For my part, I was much too respectable and intellectually discriminating to have an opinion of my own at all. It seemed there were people who ran the risk of making fools of themselves. That was ridiculous. The world of the not quite 'comme il faut' was our theater, and we were the spectators in it, for we never did anything ourselves. All we did was watch. " (Zorn 1977, p.33)
"Never give a child that for which he cries. The baby who cries for attention and gets it will become a child who cries for a toy and gets it, then a teenager who whines and complains for his every whim and gets it, and then a young adult who will demonstrate and riot in order to get his wishes. Riots are not started in the streets but in the crib." (Hyles 1972, p.99)
Hundreds of detailed collective rules to follow: "Hundreds of commandments, rather than Western religion's ten, were regarded as sacred and observed with compulsive attention. There were laws that specified precisely how men, women, and children were required to work, build their houses, dress, stand, walk, sit, rise, speak, breath, eat, drink, and smile, and all were enforced collectively. The community faced collective punishment if it failed in its duty to enforce them. Furthermore, the rules were so strongly internalized, that they were 'followed without any expression of difficulty or reluctance in doing so. A person's honor and self-esteem depended on following the rules, and failure to do so shamed not only the individual but also the whole group." (Triandis 1995, p.52-53)
"...this bullying occurs when a person does not 'fit in'. In nineteenth-century Japan, the samurai were permitted to kill anyone of lower status whose behavior was 'unexpected'." (Triandis 1995, p.54)
Anything has to be referenced to the collective, to "culture" and "society" as the important value givers. The question always is: "What will the people say"?
"...the highly developed astute sensitivity to relationships and awareness od the norms of particular situations. This adaptive behavior also unfolds from a profoundly internalized ego-ideal that is strongly oriented toward having appropriate attitudes and actions in different social contexts and relationships, enhancing feelings of inner esteem by gaining approval from others for acting appropriately. Some of my women subjects assert that Indians have a constant need for confirmation, appreciation, and approbation to have a good sense of self and self-worth." (Roland 1988, p.201)
"Shaming is used as one of the paramount means of instituting controls in child rearing, and seems to be very effective. Children are highly susceptible to shaming because they are so dependent on others (Lewis 1971), and because they wish to regain their early childhood sense of high regard. Further, the child is extremely sensitive as to how his or her behavior reflects upon and affects the we-self regard of others of the extended family. Parental figures frequently convey a tone of real concern and affection for the child when the shaming criticism or guidance is being made. The ego-ideal is obviously appealed to: "How can you possibly do this?" or "We wouldn't expect this of you." An older child is told to be protective of a younger one, or siblings are told not to fight because members of the same family love one another. The well-being of the family may be appealed to as a reason for the child to mend his or her behavior. In public, shaming statements may include: "Auntie or uncle (nonfamilial adults) would not like your doing this" (pers. com. Anandalakshmi); or "what will they say about us (the family)?"; or sometimes shaming is effectively done indirectly by the parental person talking about a neighbor's child, someone with whom the child or teenager easily identifies, doing something reprehensible. Not living up to familial expectations is to experience an intense, inner sense of shame." (Roland 1988, p.265)
The survival technique to counter dismissing attachment is, that everything I wanted to do as an individual had to be presented to others as a collective ideal, as a valid collective concept. I would have to cheat and lie to get there, but once something appeared to others as a legitimate collective activity, I had won: I was legit, and whatever I wanted to do as an individual "made sense" in the dismissing worldview, was considered "normal" activity by the surrounding dismissing persons.
"On any question, I adopted the one true opinion held by a committee I recognized as representative of society as a whole, a committe made up of those who knew what was right and what was wrong. ... my family had taught me that what counted in life was not the opinion of the individual but the opinion of the community as a whole ..." (Zorn 1977, p.11)
"The concern with honor, how others see action, is a manifestation of an understanding of human motivation and social control, which is different from the dominant understanding of American middle-class men ... an implicit distrust of individual actions which are not controlled by larger social groups." (Derne 1995, p.8)
"The child should be taught that he is a part of a team and that he is slack at his job if he does not work. He should think of himself as an integral part of society, a part that is essential to the whole." (Hyles 1972, p.53)
It will always be avoided to address the child by his/her name, rather use "kiddo" or other
substitute names, so that the impression of any individuality is avoided:
"During their early years Old Town children are addressed either by kin terms,
by a variety of nicknames, or even simply as 'baby'.
...to communicate to these young children the importance of kinship, gender, and birth order
and to de-emphasize any special identity that comes with a personal name."
(Seymour 1999, p.79)
"Indians have a 'radar sensitivity' that alerts them to what is expected in any group or situation. Roland argues that Indians are constantly sensitive to 'what is expected of them, acutely aware of how others are reacting to them. How one's behavior will be regarded by others ... is always of the most central concern.'" (Derne 1995, p.65)
"A child should be taught to look out for the needs of others. He should not think of his own desires, but the desires and needs of other people. The parent should point to those in need and teach the child compassion. He should instruct the child to do what he can to alleviate the suffering and satisfy the needs of society." (Hyles 1972, p.69)
"He should be taught to respect all kinds of superiority, such as old age, skill, scholarship, parents, teachers, leaders, etc. As he respects superiority, he will then by force of habit respect the greatest Superiority of all when he comes to understand what salvation is all about." (Hyles 1972, p.36)
"When the little chid has done wrong, explain to him that the punishment you are giving is given from God and that you are acting as God's representative ..." (Hyles 1972, p.3)
"Teach a child to choose an occupation that helps mankind. There are many jobs that are of no service to one's fellow human beings... A vocation should not be chosen because is one's preference or solely because one enjoys doing it... No occupation should be just a means to make a living but rather a means of service to others." (Hyles 1972, p.55)
"Morality in collectivist countries is linked to an adherence to many rules. They can be quite specific, such as to dictate students knock at the door before entering a teacher's room. If most behavior is compatible with the rules of the ingroup, the person is moral. Abstract principles, such as found in Kohlberg's stage 6, which is supposed to be the most developed level of morality, have little validity in this framework. Lying is an acceptable behavior in collectivist cultures, especially if it saves face or benefits the ingroup. There are traditional ways of lying that are understood as 'correct behavior'... Individualists see lying as breaking the contract, and since contracts are very important, this is a serious offence." (Triandis 1995, p.77)
"...a mental health model of individual autonomy, of highly developed intrapsychic structures in which the individual develops a strong inner separation from others and sharply differentiates between inner images of self and other, of norms of self-reliance, self-assertion, self-actualization, and a high degree of relatively open, verbal self-expression." (Roland 1988, p.60)
At all times, day and night, the person has to be aware of the presence of the group, and to be aware of the supervision of the group and of the legitimizing power of the group. This would be experienced as unbearable terror by anyone raised in an individualistic culture: it would make it absolutely impossible to make any individual decision, and there would always be somebody watching (Nazi-German: Feind hoert mit.)
And in the unexpected case that someone despite being watched all the time would develop any individual thought - there is an unwritten/unconscious rule that any thought that is not in the dismissing cultural package has to be sabotaged by everybody. Every person in the dismissing culture is mandated to persecute and punish any individual thought, as fast as possible when it happens. Every person! This is the thought police!
"Separation and aloneness are to be avoided at all costs in Indian relationships. Dependence and interdependence are far more valued and cultivated than autonomy and separation." (Roland 1988, p.232)
"Indians rarely think and feel in terms of an independent, self-contained I-ness, but rather experience a constant "we-ness" in having the other in mind as intrinically related to the self in a superior or subordinate way and in varying degrees of intimacy." (Roland 1988, p.225)
The emphasis is on never being alone, and the child is forced to pay more attention
to others around him, instead of paying attention to himself and his thoughts and emotions.
The concept that others are more important than the self is learned from infancy on.
"During the first two years of life the child is nursed on demand,
ritually bathed, and, during most of its waking moments, carried on someone's hip
or held in someone's lap.
She is never isolated in a separate room or even in a separate sleeping space,
such as a cradle, but is made part of all household activities all of the time...
By Western standards, young Indian children are very much present in all aspects
of everyday life and receive considerable physical contact; nevertheless, they also learn
that they are NOT in control of the critical events of daily life and that they
must submit to the authority of others. An obvious example is the highly ritualized daily bath
throughout which infants commonly cry. Their crying suggests that they do not find the bath
a pleasurable experience, but the lack of maternal responsiveness to their crying teaches them
that they are not in control of the situation."
(Seymour 1999, p.72)
From day one it is made absolutely clear to the child by the attitude of the caretakers
that he/she does not have a right to his/her
individuality, that the child could not possibly produce something that the older
members of the dismissive culture had not seen before.
The message to the child is: Nothing new can possibly come from you!
"Most Old Town children learn at an early age that they are one among many"
(Seymour 1999, p.77)
"On any question, I adopted the one true opinion held by a committee I recognized as representative of society as a whole, a committe made up of those who knew what was right and what was wrong. ... my family had taught me that what counted in life was not the opinion of the individual but the opinion of the community as a whole ..." (Zorn 1977, p.11)
In Ayn Rand's Anthem, when Equality 7-2521 presents those tasked with being the greatest scientific minds on Earth an electric light (in a world still running on candles), the "World Council of Scholars" denies its very existence due to its non-collective origins:
"What is not thought by all men cannot be true."
"What is not done collectively cannot be good." (Rand 1937/1946, p.73)
"How dared you to hold yourself as one alone and with the thoughts of the one and not of the many?" (Rand 1937/1946, p.72)
"Many men in the Home of the Scholars have had strange new ideas in the past, but when the majority of their brother Scholars voted against them, they abandoned their ideas, as all men must." (Rand 1937/1946, p.81)
"Everything which comes from the many is good. Everything which comes from the one is evil. Thus have we been taught with our first breath." (Rand 1937/1946, p.85)
"Stress should be given that one should work hard even without an overseer. Teach the child that someone is always watching... lead him to realize that those in the family that have gone to Heaven are watching... Remember, son, that they are always watching you, so live your life to make them proud." (Hyles 1972, p.56)
"...it is wise for a child not to develop hobbies that are quiet and cause him to be alone. Too many hours of listening to stereo music is not good. Too many hours of playing alone is not good. Hours spent behind locked doors are dangerous... group games are better than games played alone." (Hyles 1972, p.139)
"Teach him teamwork. It is far better for the teenager to be part of a winning team than to achieve for himself a winning performance. I would prefer my boy to run on relay team than to run the 100-yard dash. I would prefer him to be a member of a winning basketball team than to win a golf championship. I would rather he win a tennis match by playing doubles rather than singles." (Hyles 1972, p.181)
"Collectivists hold that one's business is also the business of the group - friends should be concerned with each others' personal matters. The collective is entitled to know, even regulate, what individuals do and think in private. Individualists hold that people should mind their own business, privacy should be respected, people should be able to think freely." (Triandis 1995, p.76)
"The lesser barrier between person and others is seen in collectivist cultures in the ease with which a passerby will criticize a parent who is raising a child 'incorrectly' or will join in ongoing conversations in public places." (Triandis 1995, p.159)
"The prolonged physical dependence of Old Town children, together with the inhibition of many of their efforts to be more self-reliant, is consistent with the Old Town family goal of cultivating inter-dependence. Familial inter-dependence requires that children not think of themselves as self-reliant and potentially independent individuals. They must grow up believing that they need one another and that such inter-dependence involves some degree of subservience to others while they are children, youths, or even adults." (Seymour 1999, p.134)
"In a Tamil family, the first words a child is taught are kin terms, together with names of body parts. It is important to get them right, to know from the start who is in what relation to oneself." (Trawick 1990, p.157)
Adult's attitude towards children is that there can not possibly be any secrets, that the child always tells everythig to the adult.
Having secrets increases self-esteem, which is to be avoided at all cost.
"The laws say that none among men may be alone, ever and at any time, for this is the great transgression and the root of all evil." (Rand 1937/1946, p.??)
"An important expression of the understanding that social control lies with the group is tattling - the reporting of untoward actions to those reponsible for controlling them. ...if his wife went outside the home without asking, a person who saw her on the road would surely come up to him to ask him where she was going. Neighbors and acquaintances often report untoward behavior to fathers and husbands in order to bring the pressure of the joint family to bear on a wayward individual. ... the person is NOT criticized directly. Someone else is told - either a friend or a relative." (Derne 1995, p.58)
"Do not allow the teenager's desire for privacy to develop into an obsession for secrecy... When at all possible the teen's room should be near the center of activity. It is best that his room not be the one at the end of the hall where no one else ever passes. It is best for him to be nearer the center of the house. This will not take away his privacy, but it will prevent his secrecy." (Hyles 1972, p.182)
Mars - Ich bin jung und reich und gebildet; und ich bin unglücklich, neurotisch und allein